When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize