Welp...herpes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
