Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she smelled like a LAN party
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
