one two three fourrrrnication!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
