Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
