Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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