I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize