When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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