new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
