Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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