The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
