What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
