he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
