I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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