I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
