nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
