can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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