and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
