if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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