rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
