i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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