Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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