Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I did not marry a roomba.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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