In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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