Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
from now on my penis is your penis
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
