She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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