Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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