There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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