tonight lets celebrate not being married
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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