he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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