i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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