This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
