from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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