Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
