Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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