Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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