I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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