Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
