i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
