did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
