pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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