How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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