I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
