I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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