i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
