i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
