I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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