i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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