True but thats because hes a fetus.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the day after is always just damage control
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
