I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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