It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
