i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
how drunk are you?
Several
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
