I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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