I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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