my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
