after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
