I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
