Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
