I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Randomize
