If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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