Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
